Today Callie and I were discussing the newest abomination in advertising: The Lying Cheating Glade Lady:

me: know what commercial i really f-ing hate

that damn glade commercial

its so offensive

divingdarlin8812: which one?

i dont have tv

me: oh right

its a newer one

ill describe it

It starts out with this perky housewife ushering her kids and husband out the door

because "she has a lot to do"

so off they go to slave away at work and school

and then she sprays glade air freshener all over the house and goes out to lunch and plays tennis and shit

and when the kids come home (and the husband too, obviously she cant even be bothered to pick up her kids from school)

theyre all like "wow mom, it smells great, you must have worked all day"

and shes like "oh yeah, ive been cleaning all day"

divingdarlin8812: ugh

me: but then the husband finds the glade bottle and they all laugh about it

divingdarlin8812: lazy bitch

me: i know right?

divingdarlin8812: that would bug me too

me: theres another one where shes pulling cookies out of a box and she lights a gingerbread glade candle

and her friends come over and compliment her on the cookies she just baked because they smell fresh out of the oven

and shes like "thanks!"

divingdarlin8812: geez whats with lazy women?

"glade...for the lazy housewives"

me: i just want to be like "jeez you f-ing ho, so glad your husband slaves away so you can go out to lunch and play tennis and NOT even manage to clean your house"

divingdarlin8812: seriously

i hate glade

me: me too

i totally dont even want to buy it

even if it DOES penetrate the carpet fibers more deeply than febreze

So basically, all these commercials make me want to do is burn down the glade plant, especially the advertising wing. I take issue with most commercials for products that are stereotypically the domain of women (for instance, when was the last time you saw a commercial for a vacuum cleaner that featured a man using the product and not merely slapping his wife's ass while she vacuumed under his feet? Ok, maybe that's a little too histrionic an assessment, but you get the idea) but at least these products show busy, industrious women who usually look happy to be providing a service for their family. At LEAST. Not this woman. Her husband works all day, presumably making enough money for her to enjoy luxuries like a country club membership and lunches out with the girls. Her only job is to clean the house, and it's supposed to take her all day. Instead she sprays it down with Glade and attempts to lie badly about it.

I feel as though there's some sort of grim subtext to this commercial. Why is she lying about not cleaning the house? Will something bad happen to her if her husband finds out about the Glade? Does he work for Febreze?

To add insult to injury Glade leaves us with the worst punch line ever invented at the end:

"Wow, you must have been cleaning all day!" For eight hours! Did you even eat? You look emaciated!
"Yes, well, aren't you glad" Aren't you glad you work 40 hours a week so I can clean the house for eight hours a day!
"Don't you mean....GLADE?" Oh, haha! I get it! Glade is just like Glad except it has one extra letter! How much are they paying their advertising execs to come up with this shit?

There's another one where she pretends to bake cookies and uses a candle to simulate the smell of freshly baked cookies to impress her friends. Then she ruthlessly eats a poor anthropomorphic gingerbread man who has curiously sprung to life to expose her.

Obviously this woman will stop at nothing for the approval of her peers and now I am a Febreze user for life.

First Glade Commercial:

Second:

impostor lettuce.

I just remembered that I had an AWFUL dream last night that isn't fit for public disclosure. I think it's still affecting me because I'm just not in the greatest of moods. As evidenced by the fact that both of my posts today are labeled "gripes."

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It is after much research (google: "spiky lettuce" "kinds of lettuce" "spiky looking lettuce leaves") that i've found out exactly what kind of lettuce absolutely DOMINATED my greek salad today and made it almost inedible.

The culprit? Mizuna Lettuce.
Whoever came up with this bull-crap has my eternal scorn. This is not salad material. I didn't pay nine dollars for a salad so that the sun dried tomatoes and kalamata olives could get all tangled up in this despicable web of lettuce impostor-y.

So anyway, now that I've completely wasted my lunch break looking up lettuce, I suppose it's back to work for me.


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Oh! I just remembered...in my lettuce research frenzy, I found this:
Which is a billboard for mcdonalds (incidently, I just typed that MicDonlads, which is way better), and words are made of REAL lettuce. Hopefully it's mizuna lettuce because otherwise that's a horrible waste of lettuce. Probably why my salad was so short on real lettuce is because the powers that be are wasting it on billboards for disgusting micdonaldz salads. I OBJECT.

new computer

I FINALLY got a new computer at work.

In other news I've recently been informed that Rex needs to be hand fed twice a day. I wasn't planning on hand feeding anything in my life until it was either A. a human baby or B. my parents in a state of advanced old age. And even then, both of these situations would involve beings with more reasoning power than a baby cockatiel. I would sincerely hope so, anyway.

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I've gotten a little sick of people coming into my office and making comments about how dark it is. It's dark because I asked the maintenance guys to take out the bulbs in the hospital quality x-ray strength florescent light over my head so my retinas wouldn't burn out of my head while I worked. But even with the light bulbs out, its not THAT dark. Excuse me if I haven't been working here long enough to forget what sunlight feels like on my face, or how kittens sound or what love feels like.

That may be a little too bleak of an assessment of my workplace. But the point is, I have a big window in my cubicle. Sure, it may not overlook a field of daffodils (actually, my view is an abandoned apartment complex and some rooftops), but my computer desktop IS a field of daffodils, so that combined with the indirect, grey city light coming through my window is enough to sometimes make me think about something other than the fact that i sit in a cubicle most of my day.

Well, back to work...sigh.