centipedes

Today I'd like to address the vile nuisance known as the house centipede:

Anyway, back in lovely, vile centipede-less South Carolina, I was oblivious to the fact that such a thing could, and would infest my living space at some point in my life. I mean, bugs I can usually deal with. Spiders are gross but manageable, roaches are disgusting...but manageable. This thing? This thing I can't handle. Lucky for me it's so bloody common in households across America that it warrants a name like "House centipede" which I think is deceiving. Other creatures that have names that accurately anthropomorph-ize them are:

• HOUSE cats
• LAP dogs
• SEEING EYE ponies (yes, they really exist, maybe cute enough to warrant a separate post)
  

Actually, I couldn't really think of that many examples of anthropomorphic animal monikers, but the point is, all of those things are cuddly, and respond to reason and affection, and most importantly, DON'T HAVE FIFTY SPIDER LEGS.

I looked them up on the website, and it says that they are "harmless nocturnal predators." Forgive me, but you don't often see the word "harmless" cuddling right up next to "nocturnal predator." Who trusts everything they read on the internet anyway? This bogus piece of fiction had lots of comments on it about people that welcomed house centipedes into their house, even one guy that found one in his bathtub, and instead of smashing it into a zillion atoms like a normal human being, he laid the beast out on a paper towel and blow-dried it until it came back to life. That's right, that asshole gave him little centipede CPR and released it back into his home.

To make up for douche-bags like that, I always give them the violent, merciless death they obviously deserve. I would rather have pregnant spiders released into my home than these little shits.