Saturday, April 10, 2004

sad easter

I asked my parents to come to church with me on Easter, not even because it's what they SHOULD be doing, but because I didnt want to sit around and eat at Russell house by myself, and they said they didnt want to, and that they already had plans. I don't think they meant to hurt me, they suppose Easter means as little to me as it does to them these days, and in their defense, I haven't told them that i'm trying to be more spiritual, and that it DOES hurt my feelings for that reason. I don't know how to tell them, for some reason, I haven't been able to get it out. That and the fact that i've never had an Easter by myself. Easter used to mean a lot to my family, I guess i'm just not used to it not really existing. And to top it off, I don't even get to go to church to enjoy it, or to be with my family, I even have to be alone in CHURCH, where i'll most certainly be the only person without family memebers or freinds in the congregation. And I have to listen to Arletta foment over whether or not the choir sounds like Robert Shaw so people won't think she's doing a bad job. In light of the fact that i'm struggling spiritually, and somewhat alone in this endeavor, I wish I was at least going to a church that I loved, and not one that is just paying me to attend, and if I can't have that, I at least wish that there was going to be a familiar face in the congregation, and if I can't have that, I wish at least that I was not going to get out of church, go straight to my car, and go eat a stupid turkey wrap at Russell house by myself. In their defense, I haven't told them how I feel; they had an argument today over cancelling plans that were already made, and my mom had a pretty mediocre birthday so I don't want to slam her with this too. But deep down I want to get down on my knees and beg them to come to church again, and I want to see them share a hymnal and sing parts and fan each other like they used to do. This makes me sound self-pitying and its a little sickening to be quite honest, but i'm really upset, I have a pit in my stomach. And I feel bad for making my parents look like heathens. They're not bad people, and the crux of the matter is that they mean more then anything to me. I feel like I want to be secure spiritually, and at the same time I feel like it will take me down a road that goes in a completely opposite direction from my family. I don't want it to alienate me from them like it alienated them from the church. GOD I WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO BESIDES THIS AWFUL JOURNAL.