Two Songs Rewritten for the Tunes Sake

Sooo Easter...it was ok. I went to church fully intending to stay for the service, and got mildly depressed watching billions of happy families run around and hunt eggs. I miss having my family all in one place sometimes, and especially on Easter. I miss my family dinners and easters and halloweens. I miss the normalcy of it. Now we are all scattered to the four winds, and somehow that's even scarier than when just I was adrift. Somehow knowing that the four of them were carrying on and sticking together while I was gone; that I could always go home and soak it up, was comforting.
You can never go home again. If I've learned one lesson in my life it is that. Nothing is ever the same twice. Maybe that's why art, photography, and music appeal to me. They're somewhat constant, and no matter how many times I leave and come back to them, they still provide the same amount of solace.

Anyway, I digress. Easter...where was I? Oh yes, church. Well, I didn't end up staying for the service because it was going to be two hours long, and If you've ever attended a holiday service by yourself, let me tell you, it's depressing. Any other Sunday, people don't wonder why you're alone. Holidays, they wonder. I just wasn't up to it. So I went home, cleaned myself up, and went out to lunch with Gibbons and her family. I'm eternally grateful to her for inviting me, it was comforting to be with another family. Maybe you don't know how thankful I am for that, Gibbons, but here it is in black and white: It made my day. Thanks :)

Then we dyed and hunted eggs with Shellie and I gave her her first Easter basket ever. It was exciting times.

Then I didn't go to work. I lost my cell phone so I couldn't call to inform anyone, and I guess I kind of assumed we wouldn't have it because it was Easter. In hindsight, that was a stupid assumption, but whatever. I'm sure I have eight hundred missed calls from the production room. Whatever. I got a lot of work done, so that's good.

Last week I finally told him what the REAL root of all our problems is. Naturally, he didn't recall the events in question, or pretended not to. Naturally, he offered a perfect, lovely solution to the problem, one that would work beautifully if he were willing to try, and not just expecting me to pull up the slack. He wears so many hats, it's really incredible. If he reads this, I hope he knows how humbling it was to tell him, and I hope he knows the huge weight that's been lifted off my shoulders in doing so. A part of me feels bad for exorcising my demons at the expense of his pride. Well, not really. Pride is expendable, especially in his case. Anyway, miracle of miracles, I haven't thought about it since just now when he updated his facebook. I feel free, at last. I feel like I've done all I can do. He swears up and down that he wants to make it better, but in lieu of the fact that I haven't heard hide nor hair from him since I told him, maybe the damage <i>is</i> too great to repair. If I were him, judging on how he's treated me in the past, I would let it go. Apparently though, how he <i>treats</i> people isn't an accurate rendition of how he <i>feels</i> about people. Every single person I know tells me to put up the wall and block him out. I mean, every person, no matter how much they know, or how much of my interests they have at heart. I've never done that in my life. I've made my peace with every single person who's ever hurt me. I've sought them out, and I've let them have a piece of me back, a piece of the stronger me. I refuse to be a memory of a person who is vulnerable to a fault in his or anyone elses mind.
Just know this: I've forgiven people for worse than what he's done. It hurts me not to. Doesn't mean I'll forget it, and it doesn't mean I'll let it happen again.

I'm glad to get certain things off my chest too.
Perhaps they have to do with the same person, but I'm sure they're nowhere near the same thing. I hope, for your sake, that you never have to carry a burden like that. Maybe our circumstances are too different for that to happen. I hope so. I don't think you believe this, but I want you to be happy, because you're my freind. If he makes you happy, then I want you to be together, despite what his and my differences may be. I really, really mean that. I don't have any agenda except to maintain the status quo. You shouldn't listen to everything I say, even though I am more grateful to you for doing it then you will ever know. I've given you all the red flags I think are applicable to him and you, and you can choose to interpret them as you want. We had a very troubled past, we troubled each other. For some reason, knowing that you know him as well as I do is comforting to me when I talk to you about it. But that's my only ulterior motive in letting it spill when you are around. I trust you, even though I haven't known you nearly long enough, by my standards. I want you to know that.

Well, it's fucking hot outside, and I have a lesson.